MILF: A MILF is any woman with children who has men that want to have sexual intercourse with her. The term is also sometimes used to describe women above a certain age (30 or 40+) who are not mothers themselves, but are deemed to be sexually attractive, and also have men that would like to partake in sexual intercourse with them. ~Urbandictionary.com~
Friends, first of all I just have to say this. IMHO you are NOT a MILF unless you have had kids. PERIOD. End of story. It is a badge of honor to be a MILF. You don’t just get the badge by being hot at a certain age. You have to earn it with BLOOD, SWEAT, and TEARS of INNOCENTS (and tears of your own). Sleepless nights, shirts covered in puke, memory loss- don’t count unless they are caused by having kids. Sorry, but y’all gotta wait till you’re in your 50’s to become cougars. You have to be a MOM to be a MILF.
Why do MILFs make the best sex workers? Well, the answer to this is obvious to anyone who has ever secured the services of a MILF escort. But for those who haven't, allow me to illuminate the core arguments behind my claim.
MILFs have patience. We had to watch “Mighty Machines”, “Paw Patrol” and “Frozen” eight and a half million times. We can certainly listen to our clients tell the same fucking story for the umpteenth time about that threesome they had thirty five years ago in Bali. Whatever makes you happy dude.
MILFS ain’t scared. Seriously? Your request is not too scary. Your little fantasy is not too freaky. We might not really be into it. But we are the ones who watched our 3 year old climb a tree 50 feet high. We clean under the kids’ beds. That’s fucking scary. Not your little fantasy role play. “Yawn…”
MILFS appreciate the money. You know how sometimes you give a girl four hundred bucks for an hour of her time; and walk out wondering “Is she gonna just blow that up her nose?” Well, when you give that cash to a MILF chances are she’s not. Cuz she has to use it to buy baseballl gear, or pay the orthodontist, or put it in the gas tank to haul her brats around. Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware that there are plenty of Moms who would still spend that cash on drugs. Hell, maybe that’s their fun money and drugs are their fun. Fuck if I know. But again, my standards for being a MILF are high. My two cents are that if you spend your money on drugs instead of your kids you aren't a MILF. You’re just a trashy crack whore. But who am I to judge?
Money buys you Love with a MILF. I’m sure you’ve heard that money can’t buy you love. But that’s just some conspiracy bullshit. Money certainly CAN buy you love. Maybe an hour at a time, but it’s still love. Because MILFs exude love. We can’t help it, we just can’t. When our toddler pounces on our stomach, knees us in the tits, and kicks us in the eye-simultaneously- we may scream “OW FUCK YOU LITTLE SHIT!” but we scream it with Love. We literally live our every waking moment loving a creature who is completely helpless and disgusting; loving them with all our hearts. We would kill someone to protect this little fucker. We can definitely squeeze out a few drops of love for cash. It’s a no brainer.
You can’t gross us out. MILFS take care of gross stuff on a daily. What you got? Some crazy furry back hair? Whatever. Try playing “find the Boba Fett head Lego” with your 5 year old’s scat. Oh, you want a little prostate play? Not gross. You sneezed big green buggers on me in the middle of passion? Ok, that’s gross- but definitely not out of our league. We have titanium stomachs. Hopefully we have a modicum of tact. Combine those two things and the best MILFS can just look the other way when confronted with a client's particular peculiar body trait/function/request. (Having boundaries are different then being grossed out. Some client’s just don’t get that concept. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we’re gonna. Boundaries, people.)
MILF know Nurture. Got Mommy issues? Yes you do; it’s fine. All us MILF escorts have Daddy issues too. (More on that in part 2). Whatever, I’m not here to judge. I’m just sayin… MILFs know how to snuggle cuddle, and hug you . Kiss it make it better. Tuck you into bed, Give you the warm fuzzies. It’s what we do. We breathe nurturing. The reason you love to snuggle us, besides to feel a hot body next to you, is because deep down you need some Momma Love. We all do. Don’t try to be tough and deny it; that’s bullshit. Every human animal craves Momma Love. That's why we love MILFS. It’s Momma Love plus the “F”. What on Earth could be better? Nothing.
Love from your favorite MILF