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Spring Break With Your Favorite MILF

Updated: Mar 30

Happy Spring my loves! I hope everyone is enjoying the warmer weather and sunny afternoons. Time to get out the daisy dukes, gypsy skirts, and tank tops! Yay! I know this email is a little late and for that I apologize. I have been traveling for the last month; and when I'm on the road it's hard to dig in and write. Please forgive me for keeping you waiting!


Now, before you go thinking that I had a "Girls Gone Wild" time this spring break let me burst your bubble. I took the kids on a trip to Utah, and this blog shares the secret spots and famous sights that we saw.


Don't be sad, my lurid tales of real life sex work, debauchery, and fun loving hijinx will resume next time with "That Time I Catered A Call-Girl's Mormon Wedding." It is in the works and getting fact checked by the one and only Chelsea. Next time friends, it'll be a hoot.


THIS blog is about being a kick ass mom and adventure seeker. I know a lot of you are kick ass parents and/or adventure seekers yourselves. So we can connect on another level besides the sex, drugs, and rock n roll that we usually connect over. If you've ever driven your spawn into the desert with the joy of NO CELL SIGNAL to keep you company, OR YOU WISH YOU COULD, then this is the blog for you. Now, without further ado....


Exploring the Mighty Five plus bonus side adventures and secret excursions THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND...!

With Olivia LaRue and her Yeti Spawn


Getting the Hell out of Reno

Anyone that's ever traveled with kids knows that no matter how packed and ready we are, we hardly ever leave on time. This trip was no exception. I'm a scout mom, k? That means when I pack I am fucking PREPARED. Prepared to be stranded in a snowstorm without shelter, fuel, cell signal, or Starbucks. This means that my truck is full of life saving crap that I hardly ever use. But, when I DO need it, I HAVE IT. I had enough food for the week, JUST IN CASE we lost all our money. Just in case there is a nuclear war. Just in case I decided to go AWOL and drive the wrong way, laughing hysterically and babbling about letting the ROAD school my kids. I have deranged post apocalyptic fantasies, alarmingly often, and I am really only a hair's breadth away from enacting them at any moment.


Where else to pretend we are in a doomsday flee then on Highway 50? Yes friends, the "loneliest road in America" How long til the Shoe Tree? Oh, about 2 1/2 hours, right outside of Middlegate. Here is what I discovered about the coffee situation on 50. Austin, NV has the best road coffee, at the Champs gas station. I highly recommend you stop there and get enough for the trip. Cuz you ain't gettin' no fancy froufrou coffee again til you get back to the city.


Our first side trip is right outside of Ely, NV. Garnet Hill. Where you can literally step out of your vehicle and pick up a garnet. But the really nice ones you need to do some digging. Yes, I packed the rock hounding tools. We found some good sized specimens of garnet in matrix; and it only took about an hour. If you like digging in dirt for shiny things you'll love Garnet Hill. In the summer it's hot though; so I prefer the spring- when the snow melts and moves the top layer of dirt down hill.


We usually stop in Ely for the night because we have friends there. But even if we didn't I would still crash. Mainly because it is a dang ole metropolis compared to the rest of the towns we hit up on our trip. I highly recommend The Prospector Inn. They have a nice pool and hot tub, the gift shop sells animal skulls, jewelry, and skinned coyote faces. The restaurant is ok. And it's just a super cute western hotel, lots of taxidermy and motorcycles lying around.


Wake up the next morning and check out Nevada's only National Park, Great Basin NP. Lehman Caves is always a fun excursion, if you are a plan in advance kind of person and reserve a spot. I am not, however. So I opted this time to go for a hike to Wheeler Peak. There you will find trees that are 5000 years old. The OLDEST LIVING CREATURES ON EARTH! Yes, friends, The oldest living creatures on earth are in NEVADA of all places and they are TREES! Look at this Gnarly MF; older than Jesus.


OK so maybe not everyone gets off on trees like I do. But how about ROCKS? You like colorful rocks, right? Else why the heck would you go to see the Mighty 5?

If you are eager to see some brain bending beauty in geological form then just keep on trucking on 50, to the 15, to the 70. Once you get on the 70 you start to see some really cool shit.


BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If you, like me, just can't get enough of rummaging around in the dirt looking for cool minerals you simply MUST stop at U-DIG FOSSILS outside of Delta.

There, you will trip over 500 MILLION year old Trilobites. They are waiting for you to crack open the shale so they can POP out at you to say hello! They do literally pop out at you.

We spent 2 hours there and walked away with more then enough 500 million year old fossilized creatures to give as presents and keep as pets. The boys loved playing Minecraft in their diggy diggy hole, hammering away and being surprised at what they found . It was precious and I highly recommend it.


If you have time and want a refreshing dip in a hot spring there is an easy to find, free, hot spring in Meadow, UT. It was a nice, idyllic stop. There were a lot of high school kids though, which made for a less family oriented experience.



Now for the main event...


The Mighty Five


Utah is blessed with amazing geological formations that are awe inspiring and trippy AF. The state boasts 5 National Parks. Arches, Canyonlands, Capitol Reef, Bryce Canyon, and Zion.

We stayed in Green River, which has a Tesla supercharger BTW. It also had the best diner, The Tamarisk, according to my son. The hotel was not so good though, and I don't recommend First Choice Inns. Green River is cool because it is less expensive than Moab. It is situated a short drive from Arches and Canyonlands.

Arches is an iconic NP. Fiery Furnace was one of my favorite sight. The landscape arch is popular too. The hikes are relatively easy. There is a lot of driving though. I can see how peak season would be bumper -to-bumper.



Canyonlands is probably my favorite NP on this trip. We did Arches and Canyonlands in 1 day. It is do-able, but I don't recommend it. Canyonlands has 3 entrance points, and each one is, like, hundreds of miles from the others. We went into the Island in the Sky entrance. It was breathtaking. If you like the Grand Canyon you will love Canyonlands. I feel like this NP doesn't get as much hype as it deserves. I would love to spend a week here. My kids called it "Goblin Town" and really dug the scene. This was their favorite park too.


Next we took a drive on the 24 through Hanksville for some more rockhounding.

There is a semi-secret spot that has ample specimens of petrified wood just lying around. There is also a giant black sand hill that the kids ran up and tumbled head over feet down. It was hysterical and a little scary to watch. The boys were unscathed, just dirty. (that is them in the picture, for scale.) We took home some sweet petrified wood. Definitely worth the stop.



We blew through Capitol Reef NP. This is the stop for petroglyphs. I was faded from the side trip and didn't care. But the petroglyphs were definitely interesting. If you like rock carvings that back up your Ancient Aliens theory then yeah, check it out. There is some other cool stuff there too. But like I said, at this point in the day I didn't care.



Our favorite place to stay was in Torrey, UT at the Broken Spur. Friends, this is like a dang ole resort after what we were used to. I mean, check out the view from outside our motel door.

The pool and hot-tub are really nice. The steakhouse was PHENOMENAL. There's a cute and funky playground for the littles. There are pioneer wagons for a more, ahem, "bespoke" experience. There is even a "convention center" where I was fantasizing about holding sex therapy workshops. Plus there is a life size cardboard cutout of John Wayne so you can enjoy your hot breakfast buffet with The Duke. Really, what more can you ask for in the middle of Utah?


By now I bet your eyes are glazing over and I've lost 99% of my audience. But wait, there's more! Did someone say SLOT CANYONS? Well, if you, like me, enjoy a death march through 4 miles of sand so that you can slide through giant rock slits barely wide enough for a small boy then have I got the place for you!


Peek-a-boo Gulch and Spooky Gulch are probably the coolest slot canyons I've ever been to.

They might even be (this'll probably get me hollered at) BETTER THAN ZION! There was EXTRA DRAMA too, because some poor kid broke his arm when we were on the death march and we got to watch an entire family drag a wagon up and down the mountain to save him! PRICELESS ENTERTAINMENT folks! Here is the map if you want to check it out, with bonus selfies of me looking like Laura Croft from Tomb Raider (kinda).



Well all that was more fun than I could shake a stick at; but we were not even close to being done. Sadly we left the Broken Spur after only one night there and made our way to Bryce Canyon.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND staying in Bryce Canyon City. Yes there are resort type hotels, but they are PRICEY AS HELL! And there is no good food in that town during the off season. The only diner closed at 8. The steak sandwich was adequate, and did hit the spot, at BC Diner. But why? I kept asking myself...why why why did I drop like $250 to stay in this tourist trap of a town? I can imagine at peak season it's a total clusterfuck and I advise that it be AVOIDED at all costs. That's just one hooker's lame opinion though, so don't take it to the bank.


What you do need to do folks, is save your sheckles and throw down on the Dark Ranger Telescope Tour.

Star gazing with huge telescopes, some of them handmade, is awe inspiring. Our tour guide, Logan, is the son of the Dark Ranger; and he was great with the kids and hella smart. The night sky is dark AF and viewing it is COLD; so bring your layers. I had never seen a Star Nursery or Nebula or any of that crazy cosmos stuff before. It was awesome and amazing and I can't hype it enough. Do the damn thing.


Yes we did go to Bryce Canyon. And yes my 10 year old tried to kill himself by backing up too close to the edge. There are unique and intriguing rock formations that are called "Hoodoos" there. The name is derived from Hoodoo spirituality where certain natural forms are said to possess certain powers. I have an issue with the etymology of the word, so here is an alternate take on the mythos from a Piaute. Regardless, BCNP offers stunning views of rare geological formations and is a "must see".





Next we did some R&R at our friend's family cabin halfway between Bryce and Zion. Here we took a day trip to one of my favorite spots on this trip. It is not a Mighty 5 but it should be on your Utah NP itinerary. I felt like it was just as spectacular, if not MORE, than Bryce and Zion- without the crowds and the hype. I'm talking about Kodachrome State Park.


"Give us the nice bright colors...." Dude, we were like, the only people there. There are phenomenal views at this gem of a SP. Hike out to Panorama Point and to the west is the edge of Bryce Canyon. It is a magical view-I felt the awesome earth energy emanating off of the hoodoos, seriously powerful. To the south you see the edge of Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument. That's where the altitude drops down thousands of feet gradually and onlookers witness the geological layers melting away before their very eyes. It was a refreshing day trip that I highly recommend.


Last but not least on the M5 tour is of course, Zion.



I'll probably get the smack down lowered upon me for saying this but...Zion is over hyped. It's gorgeous, stunning, powerful, beautiful, God's Country. It's also commercialized, crowded, logistically challenging, and expensive. My favorite part is going through the tunnel heading westbound. It's about 2 minutes through the tunnel and then POW! FEAST YOUR EYES UPON THE MAJESTY! I took a video of it for you all so you can see what I'm talking about. ( Money shot starts around 2:13) Since you know I suck at planning you won't be surprised to learn that I did not plan in advance to get the shuttle tickets needed to go into the park further than a certain point. If I had I probably would join the legions of Zion worshipers who swear upon this NP as the Alpha and Omega. But I didn't, so I'm not. But you definitely should, so that you can one up me on my NP experience.

There is plenty to see without the shuttle, like the Watchman and Kolob Canyon.



Driving back we stopped at the Parowan Gap Petroglyph site because we just couldn't get enough rock carvings.

It was pretty cool, and different in that the carvings have been interpreted by Native Linguists. Pretty interesting, but a little heady for the young dudes.


Well, if you have made it this far in my travelogue I applaud your tenacity and attention span. I guess by now you have gathered that I love rocks, trees and nature stuff. I hope that you get a chance to experience some of these sites for yourself. Until next time friends...ADVENTURE ON!




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